Chasing Peace

Me, in my happy place (Seville, Spain)

We are always so concerned with finding our peace and being someone else’s peace that we become so unconcerned with how this is obtained.

I am the first to admit that I have chased this peace, not for myself, but to please others throughout much of my life. So, I ask myself, what if some of us aren’t meant to be peaceful? How do we decide who deserves peace and who is meant to be another’s peace?

This is faulty logic because we all absolutely deserve peace. No one person can single-handedly provide us with this. That is a burden too great for us to bear; it can and will destroy us if we allow it.

I could never be someone else’s peace. I am full of chaos, and I am still unsure of how to contain it all. And honestly, I shouldn’t have to if it’s only for someone else’s well-being. I truly believe if I can find peace within myself that it will reflect outward onto others.

A year ago, I was so caught up trying to be this so-called peace for someone I desperately wanted to keep in my life. I was willing to change who I was just to be whatever it was that this person claimed that they needed. Water yourself down, be quieter, love yourself less; this was their unspoken request for me. I simply could not do or be this. Pushing yourself down will not calm your chaos, but it will only turn it into the coldest and darkest place you have ever traveled to.

In 2020, I have a goal to be consciously more at peace with myself. With the toxicity removed from my life and a brand-new year ahead of me, I think maybe this peace isn’t so far off.